Cue Josi

So, it's official - my all women's gym is becoming an all men's gym, three days a week as of 1 November. Just when my butt started showing signs of upliftment! Typical. Well, can't fight what's a-coming so might as well just accept the inevitable and get on with it. But that's the problem; I'm just not that kinda girl so it will continue to annoy me for the foreseeable future.

In the meantime, I'll take my little Josi for a walk on those 'all men' mornings. She goes completely bonkers when she sees that lease descending from its hook, she squeals with joy and says: 'Yippee, finally! She hasn't taken me ages. (Extra high-pitched squeal) stop faffing woman and get on with it.' Well, at least that's what I imagine she's saying (duh, I don’t really think she talks, just so we clear, I’m not the bonkers one). The only problem with walking Josi is all that stop/start business. She smells every single little poop (and invisible poop) along the way. And because of her dominating/domineering nature, she marks her territory every three and a half steps.

Slight deviation from the story: This dominating behaviour keeps my little boy dog, Strauss, on high alert. Every time he is picked up by someone and put back down on the floor – cue Josi to hump. When he's on his back, in the vulnerable 'tummy tickle' position - cue to hump. When both of them are excited about something (completely unrelated to anything that would prompt humping) - cue to hump. In fact my little Josi doesn't only hump  Strauss but exerts her authority in the peeing realm too. She waits and watches as Strauss finds the perfect pee place (National Geographic type music plays in the background as that old, wise narrator explains the events as they unfold).

As he urinates, the bitch is onto him, smelling the male poodle/mutt mid-wee. Then as he quickly shakes it off and takes off, the female promptly lifts her leg and urinates over his urine. The male hasn't had a peaceful urination since the female joined the pack.

(Un-cue weird voice and music) Back to the dog-walking. Now, the good thing about Josi’s stop/start behaviour is that she acts as a treadmill, going faster and slower, sometimes coming to an abrupt halt (very dangerous and possibly deadly if she was a real treadmill). Problem is you can’t control this and must simply tag or be dragged along depending on her mood. But  I guess it’s time to bring out the old (literally old and frayed) leash again and hit the road on those days the gym is rudely and inexplicably dedicated to men and take someone who thinks she might be a man on a little adventure around the neighbourhood.