Cue Josi

So, it's official - my all women's gym is becoming an all men's gym, three days a week as of 1 November. Just when my butt started showing signs of upliftment! Typical. Well, can't fight what's a-coming so might as well just accept the inevitable and get on with it. But that's the problem; I'm just not that kinda girl so it will continue to annoy me for the foreseeable future.

In the meantime, I'll take my little Josi for a walk on those 'all men' mornings. She goes completely bonkers when she sees that lease descending from its hook, she squeals with joy and says: 'Yippee, finally! She hasn't taken me ages. (Extra high-pitched squeal) stop faffing woman and get on with it.' Well, at least that's what I imagine she's saying (duh, I don’t really think she talks, just so we clear, I’m not the bonkers one). The only problem with walking Josi is all that stop/start business. She smells every single little poop (and invisible poop) along the way. And because of her dominating/domineering nature, she marks her territory every three and a half steps.

Slight deviation from the story: This dominating behaviour keeps my little boy dog, Strauss, on high alert. Every time he is picked up by someone and put back down on the floor – cue Josi to hump. When he's on his back, in the vulnerable 'tummy tickle' position - cue to hump. When both of them are excited about something (completely unrelated to anything that would prompt humping) - cue to hump. In fact my little Josi doesn't only hump  Strauss but exerts her authority in the peeing realm too. She waits and watches as Strauss finds the perfect pee place (National Geographic type music plays in the background as that old, wise narrator explains the events as they unfold).

As he urinates, the bitch is onto him, smelling the male poodle/mutt mid-wee. Then as he quickly shakes it off and takes off, the female promptly lifts her leg and urinates over his urine. The male hasn't had a peaceful urination since the female joined the pack.

(Un-cue weird voice and music) Back to the dog-walking. Now, the good thing about Josi’s stop/start behaviour is that she acts as a treadmill, going faster and slower, sometimes coming to an abrupt halt (very dangerous and possibly deadly if she was a real treadmill). Problem is you can’t control this and must simply tag or be dragged along depending on her mood. But  I guess it’s time to bring out the old (literally old and frayed) leash again and hit the road on those days the gym is rudely and inexplicably dedicated to men and take someone who thinks she might be a man on a little adventure around the neighbourhood.

The Damage

The Worst Type Of 'Off-The-Road' Driver

Is the type that bumps, scratches or bashes your car and drives away - there's a special place in hell for this type of person (just kidding...kinda). This morning, out of the corner of my eye I noticed something very disturbing and shown in the attached photo (a bit unclear having been taken in the underground parking with my phone). A massive white scraping along the front part of my bumper. But in order to understand why this is such a catastrophe, let me explain my extreme paranoia regarding my car.
I spend a lot of mental energy worrying about things that could go wrong with my car - too much parking out in the open - mass fading. Parking without full, four wall and roof cover - huge hail storm hits, comes shooting down from every angle and bang - massive hail damage. The sound of the fan belt - is it normal? The sound the brakes make - I've been told by various people, people who think they're experts and the experts themselves that this is normal because there's no asbestos in the brakes - good for my health bad for my ears. But the sound doesn't bother me but what if one day, boom, they just stop working (I watched an episode of Rescue 911 where this actually happened to someone, true story and on the highway nochal!).

So I don't have space in my head to worry about careless drivers who just don't give half a shit. Which brings me back to this morning's incident. I don't know when the crime occurred since I only noticed the damage this morning but it must've been recent because my paranoid, beady eye wouldn't have missed that one for long.
So, what should a decent human being do under these particular circumstances: Find a piece of paper, write something like: 'Sorry I bashed your car, call me and I'll sort it out' followed by a reachable number. Too difficult? No. I've done it before. And it was a big fancy Merc too. Later that day I got a phone call which went something like this:

RING RING
Lisa: Hello.
Anonymous man: Is this Lisa?
(Anticipating this phone call - reply:)
Lisa: Unfortunately.
Anonymous man: Thanks for leaving that note on my car, I really couldn't believe it! Not many people would do that and you don't have to worry about paying for it.
Lisa: Wow, thanks. And again, I'm so sorry.
Kind, sweet, wonderful old man I'll never forget: It's a pleasure my darling (really he did say 'darling'). In fact, I'm so grateful I'm giving you my Merc.


OK, last part not true (duh) but the rest is pretty much how the conversation went. So had this person left me a note I would've told them the same thing: ‘Thanks so much but don't worry about it’. Because all my car needs is some TLC from the panel beater and she'll be good as new. But to that person out there: karma comes back around so careful who you park next too because you may be left with more than paint scrape (sinister music under throughout) and then you'll be sorry! But then again, maybe this person had an emergency or a really legitimate reason and in that case I forgive them. Ah, I feel much better for getting that all off my chest!

And how does that make you feel?

Like I'm about to explode out of my skin, the rage penetrates every part of my body, my cheeks burn up and I scream out a string of obscenities into the interior of my car, gesturing madly while fearing for my life. OK, maybe I was a bit dramatic with the last part but all that came before - totally legit. People, I'm talking about road rage and mine is becoming dangerously worse. So, what was the cause of this particular incident? Well no surprise there, it was a taxi. And the situation? An extremely slow moving, overloaded schjdonk (not sure how you spell that) of a bakkie, followed by a patient driver (not me) and then the not-so-patient driver, me. But even more impatient was the taxi driver behind me, riding so far up my ass, it hurt (that's gross but it sounds cool so I'm leaving it in). Anyway, I'm thinking fuck this and speed up to take over the bakkie and patient not realising that the taxi was about to do the same thing, he hooted and I blasted like an unashamed ------(can't think of someone who swears a lot right now), and blasted and blasted the above mentioned string of obscenities, which I won't repeat. Any-who, I arrived at work unscathed but I do think I should tone things down a little, but when that rage strikes, there's no controlling it but I'll still try because I don't want to land up answering: And how does that make you feel? in a doctor's office after an unfortunate incident.

Since when is an all women's gym for men too?

This morning started with the usual gym routine. After snoozing my alarm four times, I peeled myself out of bed and landed on the treadmill. When I overheard a few women talking about the gym being opened three days a week for men only, immediate reaction: WTF? Seriously, there's the word 'feminine' in the name of the gym so what's this man business about? And even more inconveneint and inconsiderate - Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are going to be strictly men. Helpful considering I only gym in the week so there goes two days of butt toning. Anger however improved my workout, I stamped that treadmill into the ground. Yeah baby! On my way out I signed the petition one of the angriest ladies started and I added a looong comment about my outrage, highlighting their utter lack of any understanding of the what a women's gym  means - just to be extra clear - women only. Well I'll keep you (whoever you may be) updated on this and other inexplicable happenings. 'Til later...

Technologically Retarded

As the girlfriend of a computer guy, I am particularly embarassed about my inability to comprehend anything technological, it took me about 7 times to actually figure out how to start this blog and about 13 times of re-entering that irritating weird shaped word you have to get right. But hey, here I am and look forward to sharing my thoughts with the wide open void of the internet and perhaps, someone, somewhere will stumble upon this blog and find something vaguely interesting in one of my rambling posts!